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As a leading World Statesman I am often asked, “Is there a labour-saving method of turning over the soil preparatory to planting?”. The answer is, of course, in the affirmative.
A lot of hard spade work can be done away with by the simple expedient of phoning up the USAF and ordering a flight of B52‘s to come and blanket bomb your garden. Hey presto! In literally seconds, your soil will be thoroughly aerated! The only drawback with this technique is that neighbours may complain of noise and collateral damage (sudden homelessness, death and so on). The best way to counteract this whining is to adopt the approach I used so successfully during the US bombing of Cambodia: deny all knowledge and dismiss the evidence as a Communist plot.
Ever since I won the Nobel Peace Prize I have been approached by people who want advice on weedkillers. Whilst there are many excellent commercial products available, to my mind there are none quite as effective as Napalm or Agent Orange. These are a sure-fire way of removing any unsightly foliage, along with any unwanted nests of Communist insurgents who may be lurking in the undergrowth. To apply your Napalm or Agent Orange, simply load into a large container with a small high-explosive charge and drop from a helicopter on the offending area. It never fails!
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